If you don’t ask, the answer is always no.
A long time ago, I came across this little gem of advice—I can’t remember where—and tucked it away in my mind. It sat quietly for a long while until, one day several years ago, it became useful.
My niece Nicole and I were dining at a restaurant in the San Francisco Bay Area. Jace¹, a server, sashayed over to our table beaming a smile so bright, his step so deliberate, we could have taped a toothpaste commercial.
I felt an immediate connection. As happens often with me and people I don’t know, over the course of our lunch, Jace shared a deeply personal detail: He was 27 years old and had never dated. He said he had his “eye on a guy”, but was too afraid to ask him out, fearing he’d say no.
“Well, if you don’t ask him, the answer is already no,” I said. “Not doing anything, is in fact, giving you the conclusion you fear. If you ask him, then there’s a chance he could say yes.”
Jace’s eyes lit up—equal in brilliance to his smile.
Throughout brunch, he kept checking in on us, laughing with abandon, throwing his head back now and then, radiating so much energy I began to suspect he might be an undercover Broadway star. His presence was magnetic.
How had this vivacious, kind, confident, and handsome young man evaded romance for so long?
We talked about everything—nothing off limits, including a scary health issue I was facing. Our conversations spun like a whirligig of energy over sautéed veggies and frothy cappuccinos. By the end, we’d taken a photo, exchanged Facebook handles, and hugged like old friends.
A few months later, Jace texted me. We caught up briefly, but mostly, he wanted to share some happy news—and check in on me, too. We exchanged several texts. Here are a few:
“Hi, Deborah! I hope you don’t mind me texting you. It’s Jace from Salt & Tide Cafe¹. I was thinking about you yesterday because I finally took a step and put myself out there thanks to your words of advice! And, although the gentleman told me he was straight, he said he appreciated it and I explained to him that I promised someone I would put myself out there more and it actually wasn’t that bad. I just wanted to say thank you. Hope all is well! ” 😃 — Jace
A month later, he wrote again:
“You’re amazing. 1. Ever since we met and I started eating as you outlined for me, I’ve lost 18 lbs which is so exciting as I’m flying to Puerto Vallarta today! 2. I met a really nice, cute guy this past weekend thanks to your advice! I saw him and he smiled and I did in return and I walked up to him and started chatting. Normally, I would have just smiled, kept walking and assumed he’d be uninterested, but I decided to ask him to dinner and he said he’d love to! So when I return from Mexico, we are going on a date! Thanks to you!! 😘 I was literally in my head repeating your words “right now it’s a ‘no’ and if I don’t make a move, it’ll still be a ‘no,’ but there’s a chance it could be a ‘yes’ so I took it. Thank you again for coming into Salt & Tide Cafe and influencing me.” — Jace
I felt elated! The fact that he reached out to say thank you and to check in on my health, speaks to his character. As far as I can tell, Jace is happy and thriving all these years later.
Me & Jace (circa several years ago)
More recently, I was reminded again of the quiet power of asking.
Lorian, a talented woman I met in an online working group reached out to ask if I’d help her with some marketing materials. It wasn’t a paid opportunity—just a kind request. She offered me a free trial to her planning group as a thank-you, which I initially didn’t think I needed. But I said yes, simply because she asked (and because she’s a lovely person).
And I’m so glad I did.
Now, each week, I meet with a generous group of smart, entrepreneurial women² who help me brainstorm and reach my goals. I’ve found support I didn’t even know I was missing. I’ve made friends. None of it would’ve happened if Lorian hadn’t simply asked.
I’ve truly gained far more than she did.
Asking—especially when we’re unsure of the outcome, or when it feels one-sided—takes bravery. Like so many others, I find it difficult.
But, oh, the rewards!
How about you?
When have you been reluctant to ask for something, but did anyway—and received more than you expected?
XOXO~
Deborah
¹ Not their real name. I’ve changed details of this story to ensure privacy.
² Meet (and join) some of the talented and gracious women in Lorian’s Planning Club:
Lorian @ Planner Paradise
Christy @ Virtually Structured
Denise @ This Is My Everybody
Curious who’s behind the words on this blog? Here’s a little about me.